For some reason or another, I was awake early this morning. This is a miracle if you know me. I’m not a morning person in any way, shape, or form. I turned on the trusty lappy to check my e-mail and Facebook before I left for school. I signed into Facebook and what do I see? A bazillion status updated about Bin Ladin being killed. Did my sleep blurry eyes deceive me? I hopped on to Google News for some fact checking and aw-be-dammed, he’s really dead. Now it’s time to process what’s just happened.

Nine and a half years ago I was sitting in Dr. Kinnison’s 2^nd period English class when the first plane took a left turn in to theWorldTradeCenter. I remember how I felt, how we all felt, staring at the screen in disbelief and shock. Now today, on historic day for my motherland, I don’t know how to feel. I’ve never felt less American and more disconnected than I do today. That’s one of the hidden costs of being 8,000 miles away from home for so long. I just don’t identify with the general American populous anymore. Have I lost my “Americanism”? Am I a new brand of American? If I’m not Romanian and I’m not American, what am I? Am I the bastard step-child of a cross cultural experiment?

I digress. Anyway, back to debriefing today’s incident.

It’s like we’ve had a boogey man living under our bed for nine and a half years. Sometimes he frightened us so much we couldn’t sleep. Sometimes we forgot he was there. Sometimes he didn’t seem to be real. And today our dad reached under the bed, yanked him out by his beard, ripped his evil monster mask off, and shot him in the head. Then, we ran outside and started dancing in the streets. We celebrated the fact that the evil boogey man was defeated. We can all sleep soundly in our beds now because there’s nothing evil lurking in the darkness.

Evil wears many masks. Today we just defeated one form of it. Bin Laden was evil, but he wasn’t the only one perpetrating it. Bin Laden was a fundamentalist and he certainly isn’t the only one. Just because we cut the head of the worm off, that doesn’t stop the tail from wriggling. Fundamentalism is any form is a destructive, volatile, and violent force. Just because we killed one charismatic, fundamental leader who believed that our culture was hell incarnate doesn’t mean there’s not another abhorrently malevolent, slithering, serpent waiting in the wings. That what’s so frightening about fundamentalism in all its manifestations. It’s difficult to kill an idea. Especially one that is so deeply engrained, fully-believed, and mindlessly followed. Are we safer as a country now that the Bin Laden monster is dead? I honestly don’t know. I don’t think that we will be 100% safe as long as there are people out there that hate every fragment of our being. Am I paranoid? No, just realistic. Have I changed my lifestyle willingly in any way since 9-11. Nope. When you live in fear and paranoia that’s when terrorism wins. I refuse be bested by the boogey man.

Today we called dad into the room in the middle of the night. We stopped hiding under the covers. We smited the big, bad, boogey man. We killed a man. We got our revenge. While vengeance is psychically satisfying, we are celebrating violence, the very thing we are trying to prevent. I’m I the only one who sees a problem with this? Yes, Bin Laden was wholly and undeniably evil. He masterminded an atrocious plan that took the lives of thousands of innocent Americans. He deserved and must be punished for the crimes he committed. It’s not the killing of him that I’m necessarily opposed to. I don’t know how I feel about that. Do I think death was the best option? I don’t know. Maybe locking him in a deep, dark, pit for the rest of his days would have been just as effective. It’s how Americans are celebrating that bothers me. A man is dead. We killed him. This should be a solemn occasion for remembering those who lost their lives, honoring their memory, and acknowledging the closure that this hopefully will bring those who lost love ones on 9-11.

Full disclosure: I didn’t lose anyone on 9-11, so I can not imagine the pain, grief, and anger suffered by those who did. My heart honestly goes out to those who did lose someone. I’m sure I would feel different if I was in a different situation. I can only speak to my personal experience of how I experienced 9-11 as and American high school sophomore and how I perceive the capture and killing of Bin Laden as an American that has lived abroad for two years.

While I don’t know anything about losing someone in a terrorist attack, I do know something about wanting to seek vengeance against someone who has wronged me. Years ago, someone seriously wronged me. I dreamt of seeking revenge against said person. I fantasized about what I’d do to said person if I had the chance and morality wasn’t an issue. I was consumed by powerful and deep seeded anger. I held that anger in my heart for a long, long time. It took me years to get over that anger. I reached a point when I felt that vengeance wasn’t the answer. Because if I was ever able to seek that revenge, I’d be doing wrong to another human being. No matter how hateful, wicked, or evil that human is, they are still human. We are all born into innocence. We are all human. It’s just that some people get fucked up along the road call life. Violence begets violence. Revenge becomes cyclical. Hatred and intolerance breed more hatred and intolerance. Should crimes remain unpunished? No, of course not. But justice needs to be carried out swiftly, justly, honestly, and fairly.

Am I saying we shouldn’t have gone after Bin Laden? No. Am I saying that we aren’t better off now that a terrorist madman has been dealt with? No. I’m saying that no matter how satisfying this “revenge” may seem, it was still an act of violence. It should be treated as an act of violence, which should not be a time to crack a beer and dance in the streets. We killed a man. Somberly, we should remember our fallen heroes, clear our collective consciousness, reflect on what it truly means to be an American, honor those who have paid the forfeit of the prize for our freedoms, move toward having honest discussions of how we can work to dismantle fundamentalism IN ALL ITS FORMS WITHIN OUR OWN COUNTRY, and how we can educate future generations to work for a more peaceful and less violent world.